Our Vows are Stronger than Autism

John and I have dealt with our fair of stress even before walking down the aisle.  I naively thought because we had endured so much stress early in our relationship that we met our quota of big stressors. Well now, I am thinking that those early stressors provided us with the tools to better deal with the unique the challenges of raising a medically involved child on the spectrum. John and I are keenly aware of each others triggers and our thresholds.  We know what the others needs to feel supported or even to feel sane.  There is an eerie ebb and flow to our relationship that seems to allow each the opportunity to approach sanity for for small periods of time.

John and I are partners in everything we do, including parenting. John looks at both of his daughters and sees two perfect children.  I am both envious and frustrated by this. I have talked about my evolution of focusing on Caroline's delays to the ability to celebrate her successes but John has always celebrated her successes.  And as for Vivian, John finds her to be entertaining, articulate and wonderful. I too, find Vivian to be  wonderful but also remind him that she is bossy and a bit of control freak (don't know where she gets it from).   But this is just an example of how John and I balance each other.  John is the ladies' biggest fan and I am their biggest advocate. We work together to provide our ladies' the balance they need to be the versions of themselves they can be.  This takes a ton of communication and understanding of what the other's approach brings to our family.  This is not easy and we are not always able or willing to be as supportive of each as we would be if we both got full night sleep and were not both constantly stressed and worried about the other's stress level.  

A recent article by Alysia Abbott in Psychology Today discusses the impact having an autistic child can have on a marriage.  Abbott concludes that having an autistic child does not have to ruin a solid marriage.  I found that fact that this was newsworthy sad.  Since, Caroline's diagnosis I have read article after article about caregiver fatigue and the increased stress associated with raising a child on the spectrum-but the fact that a solid marriage can withstand the stress associated with raising an autistic child is a notation of publishable quality means that divorce is much more common. I  read over our wedding vows, recently, which affirm our mutual love unwavering respect.

My vows to John:

John, you are my best friend. I love you with all my heart. Since we have met our lives have been forever changed and are forever changing. We as individuals and as a couple have grown and changed. These changes are not merely attributable to the normal ebb and flow of life but rather the storm that has altered our perspective of the world. The tremendous support, love, and comfort you have provided through these difficult days has allowed the sun to begin shinning in our lives again.

We have proven to each other and to the world that we are strong enough to withstand the greatest of challenges, brave enough to admit when we are wrong, committed enough to allow our relationship to evolve on a nearly daily basis, and courageous enough to combine our families but given time even Newton (John's cat) and Stewart (Kacie's dog) have developed a special bond. For these reasons and those that have gone unsaid, I want nothing more than to share my future with you – my triumphs and my challenges, my joys and my sorrows. Together, I know we can accomplish the life we both dream of living. 

John's vows to me:

I, John, take you Kacie to be my best friend for life, my companion in sorrow and in joy, my accomplice and my support. I promise to love and take care of you when times are easy, and when times are hard. I will always rely on your fun loving spirit, your passion for your life, your honesty and your generosity. Our mutual respect and delight at being together is the foundation on which we can build a life and a family together. I will always strive to give you what is best for you and to learn from what you do best. I promise to make you chocolate, to watch chick flicks with you, and to hold you as you fall asleep.

Our vows to each other are stronger than the challenges of raising a medically involved child on the spectrum.