Mommy Guilt

I am not the type of person who cannot , not work outside the home--I tried once, I ended up being named Communications Director of the network of charter schools where my husband was employed. Work is my zen place. At work, I have the opportunity to create beautiful opportunities for individuals to engage with meaningful information that impacts lives.   I am challenged on a daily basis in a way that helps me grow as a person. And while I take my career very seriously at the end of the day it is a job. The moment I realized it is just job, is the moment it became an opportunity to make meaningful decisions that did not have life or death consequences attached.

I think I am good mom-not a great a mom. I am concerned, involved, and mostly available.  The mostly available part is somewhat ironic as when the topic of having children was discussed with my husband (before marriage) he said, "They never go away, they are always there, it worries me." I tried to calm his fears by explaining that is why there are two of us.  I will admit more often than not, in recent months, I am the one more likely to sneak moments to myself or little breaks.

When I started working in my current position, I started working crazy hours. I liked what I did and the company culture was intense. It took me awhile to realize that I was frequently the last to leave in the evening and that I was working at home almost every night. When I finally asked myself why I was working like this---I realized the answer was complicated.

• I wanted to be viewed as a professional not as a working mom or as a working mom of a special needs child. This was hard to pull off because I talked about my kids at work but I thought that I could talk about my kids because I was getting so much accomplished.


• I also felt like if I worked hard enough I would finally get compensated in a manner that would allow to adequately provide for my family, especially Caroline.


• And finally, I felt like work was an environment that was easier to control than my personal life--I needed a place where I could feel successful.

I will be honest at first business travel was a welcomed break from the responsibilities of being at home and an opportunity to be fully engaged with work well into the evening hours. However, now as the travel is weekly, I find myself seeking out creative ways to stay engaged with the daily activities of John and the ladies'.  We Facetime, as much as possible, exchange pictures (in the vein of where in the world is Mommy), and plan for quality time when I get home.  I also still coordinate all of Caroline's care from wherever I am, so if a therapist needs to reschedule I handle it-so John doesn't have to try and figure out the whole schedule when I am gone.

I am a mom and just like most every mom I know, I suffer from the dreaded "mommy guilt". Travel isn't the only reason for "mommy guilt" there is also missed activities, not spending enough one on one time with each of the ladies,  my short temper (especially when there is whining involved), frequently forgetting Friday is Show and Tell Day,  and my lack of  interest in watching "Jake and the Neverland Pirates." But at the end of the day after I repress all that guilt, I think that it is important for my daughters to see their mom as a professional, who has commitments beyond them.  I am happier when I am fully engaged and being challenged professionally, which makes me a better mom and wife. My career forces me to disengage from Caroline's care for bits of time, it offers a mental break from many stressors. This is not to say my career is stress free but professional stress is so different.

My family supports my career because it is important to me. Just as I supported John's career by moving to Texas, and as we support Vivian by providing her opportunities to engage in activities (swimming, dancing, piano), and for Caroline when she expresses an interest (such as going outside) we drop everything to make it happen because she so rarely makes a request.  The headline being, as a family we support each other's priorities.  Self interest rightly understood, when the members of our family are happy it is easier for us to be happy :).

If you are a traveling parent how do you find balance? How do you deal with parental guilt?

--written from Atlanta, GA.