"Why doesn't Caroline talk like a big girl," Vivian asked at dinner the other night. This was followed later in the evening with Vivian sharing her growing frustration with Caroline's response to excitement which includes, screaming, flapping her arms, and kicking. I knew the day was fast approaching when Vivian would notice that Caroline was different.I explained to 4 year old, Vivian, "Caroline is different, she has something called autism. Caroline's autism makes it difficult for her to control how loud she speaks and many of the movements her body makes. And Caroline is starting to talk like a big girl she is saying "night, night" and we can communicate with her using sign language."
Vivian took a very thoughtful pause, I could tell something was weighing on her, "So because Caroline has awesome she doesn't have to use her inside voice..."
"No, we still ask Caroline to use her inside voice but it is much harder for Caroline to use her inside voice. You remember when you were sick a few weeks ago and you were sneezing? Well you could not stop your body from sneezing and sometimes Caroline cannot stop from screaming or flapping...does that make sense?"
"I guess but I don't like when she screams all the time."
"I know, Vivian. But we have to be understanding. I don't think Caroline likes to scream all the time."
This conversation was both a lifted weight and an added weight. I want Vivian to feel comfortable asking questions and to share her frustrations but it is also hard knowing that she is now frustrated by Caroline for things Caroline has no control over. How do I explain the concept of "different, not less," to a 4 year old?
First of all, your girls are just adorable. Second, we have a twenty something year old son and a daughter, about five years younger. Our son is HFA, and we always tried to be honest with our daughter. It is hard, and I think my daughter sensed something was wrong very early. As soon as she could understand, she knew her brother had autism and often explained it to other kids. I think it made it easier for her in some ways, but it is a journey. She is now in an accelerated RN program. I think she always felt part of our family team, because it becomes that way. And she will most likely be responsible for him later. She was always his best advocate in school. Anyway, best wishes with your girls and I couldn’t be prouder of the person my daughter has become, caring, empathetic and wanting to serve.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful post. I am just waiting for my youngest to notice that we treat Cooper 'differently.' The thought of the discussion scares me. And I am praying that he will love his brother and protect him when needed. So many worries.
ReplyDeleteI was really worried too but I spoke with many parents who have one typically developing child and one with special needs--all of the parents said their typically developing child was extremely supportive of his/her sibling and very emphatic. I am sure the same will be true for your kids.
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