Dark Days

The darkness that surrounds me is my only friend, it is quiet, soft, and holds no expectation. I am stumbling through my days; I expend so much energy trying not to be overwhelmed. I desperately want to be someone who handles a time like this with grace and dignity. But then I think… what does grace and dignity look like during a time like this…does simply surviving count?

I crave stability which is strange because for so long it has been absent in my life.  Over the last several weeks, I have been nearly crippled by a series of events that, if occurred independently, I could completely manage but collectively they are enough to overpower me. What does it take to overpower and overwhelm Kacie?  It takes:

• The house we are renting to be foreclosed on a week before Christmas;


• John’s job being in a jeopardy for a variety of reasons, none of which are his doing;


• Cigna has decided to no longer pay for Caroline enteral nutrition supplies;


• Cigna (despite lawsuits finding against them) still refuse to pay for Caroline’s ABA therapy;


• Caroline is requiring numerous medical tests since it is the beginning of the year we need to pay for all tests out of pocket;


• Caroline’s school district is not providing her with the services she is entitled to have a “free and appropriate” education;


• The six year anniversary of Brit’s passing is coming up, always an emotional time of the year;


• And though, I know I need more help I don’t have the time or resources to get said help.

For weeks, I have been working on a post titled, “If Your Child or Life Bites, Lean In.” As the title suggests, I have been trying to lean in, to focus on solutions.  But that is getting increasingly difficult.  I am having trouble turning my mind off at night so I am not sleeping much.  It is also hard to prioritize which challenge to work on…should I worry about housing or paying for Caroline’s enteral nutrition supplies?  Should we pull Vivian out of school to save money?

I love my daughter and will stop at nothing to get her the medical and educational care she needs and deserves. But I also love Vivian and need to provide an environment that is appropriate for her, too. And, John is under just as much stress as me.  We lean on each other and when the going gets tough, I can get mean.  Essentially, I don’t where to focus my energy: Cigna, Caroline’s school district, our former landlord (who still has not returned our deposit), or trying to help John find stable employment.

Here’s to hoping that karma exists.