Overcoming My Biggest Fear

Today, on Caroline's third birthday I am overwhelmed with emotion as I look back on all that we have been through and all that she has accomplished. My biggest fear entering motherhood was raising a child with special needs. Entering parenthood, I had already felt the pain of losing a child when my baby sister, Britney, passed away at the tender age of 9 and half (she was 18 years my junior). Thus, I became a mother already knowing and understanding that each day with any child I welcomed into this world was a gift and that tomorrow is not promised.  And to deal with the immense weight of that reality, I worked very hard to create an environment that would allow my children to thrive but also to experience life to the fullest at a young age.  For me the fear of raising a special needs child was two fold: I did not want to see my child live a life filled with pain and discomfort; and I did not know how to create an environment that allowed Caroline to experience life to the fullest given her medical and developmental challenges.

In a previous blog, I explained the challenges of bonding with Caroline as the pain of losing Brit was still so fresh.  And for that reason, it took me awhile to get to really know, Caroline. But now that I know Caroline and I see all that she is capable of I know how to create environment that allows her to thrive and makes her happy.  Caroline has an infectiously happy and curious personality.  Her lack of boundaries allows her to wander in the hearts of many. She is tiny but mighty; calm but excitable; distant but loving; and intense yet passive.  Raising child filled with these contradictions is both rewarding and challenging.  I have realized that by embracing Caroline's passions and following her lead, I can not only provide her the tools she needs to thrive but also the experiences that make her happy.

[caption id="attachment_941" align="alignleft" width="300"] Caroline at the pet store to see frogs as part of her birthday celebration.[/caption]

Today, on Caroline's 3rd birthday I realized that big party was not the appropriate way to celebrate.  John and I spent a lot of time thinking about what Caroline was interested in lately and crafted a weekend around her interests.  Caroline LOVES pizza and garlic bread so we went to pizza place for lunch; we bought her a toy frog that sings and spits water for the bath and allowed her to take an extra long bath, we went to the pet store to look at frogs (her newest obsession) and have plans to go swimming (Caroline has always loved to swim) and to go see a movie (Caroline loves popcorn, music and the bright colors in movies--my little sensory junkie).

Caroline has helped me to not only overcome my biggest fear of parenting a medically involved child with special needs but has showed me how rewarding it can be.  She has taught me that the simple pleasures in life should not be overlooked and just because today is a bad day doesn't mean tomorrow has to be. Caroline has also taught me the importance of asking for help--I am so thankful to the many amazing therapists, teachers and doctors who have helped Caroline overcome so many challenges and achieve so much. Self interest, rightly understood, I am also thankful to these same individuals for offering me perspective, a shoulder to cry on, or a friendly ear as needed.   I understand it takes a village and I am so thankfully for the village that has contributed to and shares Caroline's successes. And of course, when considering all those who have contributed to Caroline's success and growth I cannot, thank my husband, John, enough for always seeing Caroline as perfect; Vivian for being an understanding big sister, my dad for spending months taking care of Caroline and demonstrating a tenderness and patience I did not know he was capable of--there have of course, been many others who share Caroline's success and who have supported our family during the dark times and to each of you, I am forever thankful.

Happy 3rd Birthday, Sweet Caroline--I can't wait to see what you will accomplish this year!