Caroline's Mom

Caroline was born in Arizona. In Chicago, I became her mother.  Bonding with Caroline was difficult-I was not allowed to hold her until she was a few days old, it was nearly a week before I was allowed to try to nurse her, and she was fragile.  The pain of losing Brit was still real, I was scared to bond with Caroline until I knew she was going to be okay.  I held her while she cried for hours and hours, I tried to feed her, I took her to doctor after doctor, I advocated for services before most parents would admit there was a problem, and I reinforced the therapy at home.

In Arizona I worked full-time but mostly from home (I accepted a pitiful salary in exchange for Caroline being able to attend meetings with me). In Chicago, I began to work at an office. When I left Caroline the first day, it was so emancipating. I  realized just how much time I spent focused on all that Caroline couldn't do or her medical involvement. This was partially because of the countless hours spent every week speaking with doctors, therapists, and care coordinators.  However, when I took a break from constantly thinking about her challenges--I was able to transition my thinking.  I was able to enjoy my daughter, to play with her without thinking about how the play might help her achieve a certain milestone.  I was able to enjoy her joyful, loving, and spirited self.   I was able to become Caroline's mom.

I have always told doctors, "I need to know if we are saving for college or for Caroline's care after I die."  It is a lot of responsibility being Caroline's mom. I am working on realizing that I am also Vivian's mom, John's wife, a friend to a few, and someone with needs of my own.

Tomorrow night, the ladies and I will board a plane for San Antonio and start the next chapter of our lives.  During this chapter, I will learn to ask for help, not allow those who add unnecessary chaos to be part of our lives, and will share my journey for me,  for  fellow travelers and for those who just want to laugh and say, "I can't believe she actually put that in writing."