Turning Texas Blue

I am doing my duty to turn Texas Blue- I moved to San Antonio.

I will be completely honest, Texas was on my list of places I never cared to live. However, when the opportunity to be principal of Anne Frank Inspire Academy was offered to John--what was going to say--Texas?!, Hell No! Of course not. I did the responsible thing, what any loving wife would do,  I encouraged John to follow his passion and after he accepted the position and there was no turning back, then I started to complain.  I am only human, he wanted me to move from Chicago to Texas.

I have been pleasantly surprised by several things in Texas.  First, almost everyone I have met has been super friendly--but so much so that it is turn off. I love our new house, it has a huge yard and plenty of space for the ladies. Also, we decided last minute that Caroline needed to take advantage of her Early Intervention benefit before she aged out of the system.  We have already had an intake interview and services are starting on Friday!

So while Texas is never a place, I intended to raise my family--I will admit I have been pleasantly surprise thus far.   But you know me, here are some of the downsides--No Portillo's, I haven't found a park or playground yet, and it is humid!

Caroline's Mom

Caroline was born in Arizona. In Chicago, I became her mother.  Bonding with Caroline was difficult-I was not allowed to hold her until she was a few days old, it was nearly a week before I was allowed to try to nurse her, and she was fragile.  The pain of losing Brit was still real, I was scared to bond with Caroline until I knew she was going to be okay.  I held her while she cried for hours and hours, I tried to feed her, I took her to doctor after doctor, I advocated for services before most parents would admit there was a problem, and I reinforced the therapy at home.

In Arizona I worked full-time but mostly from home (I accepted a pitiful salary in exchange for Caroline being able to attend meetings with me). In Chicago, I began to work at an office. When I left Caroline the first day, it was so emancipating. I  realized just how much time I spent focused on all that Caroline couldn't do or her medical involvement. This was partially because of the countless hours spent every week speaking with doctors, therapists, and care coordinators.  However, when I took a break from constantly thinking about her challenges--I was able to transition my thinking.  I was able to enjoy my daughter, to play with her without thinking about how the play might help her achieve a certain milestone.  I was able to enjoy her joyful, loving, and spirited self.   I was able to become Caroline's mom.

I have always told doctors, "I need to know if we are saving for college or for Caroline's care after I die."  It is a lot of responsibility being Caroline's mom. I am working on realizing that I am also Vivian's mom, John's wife, a friend to a few, and someone with needs of my own.

Tomorrow night, the ladies and I will board a plane for San Antonio and start the next chapter of our lives.  During this chapter, I will learn to ask for help, not allow those who add unnecessary chaos to be part of our lives, and will share my journey for me,  for  fellow travelers and for those who just want to laugh and say, "I can't believe she actually put that in writing."

What Does it Mean?

The words stung like nothing before and that is saying something as I am no stranger to tragedy or adversity.  I had been asking the question for nearly three years but now that someone was willing to answer the question-I wished I would have never asked.

Is it better to know?  Of course, it is.

Will I be able to come to terms with it? In good time.

What are the next steps? Fight, fight like I have never fought before.

Caroline is engaging, hardworking, funny, and joyful.  She also doesn't sleep often, is fed through a g-tube, has over a 40% developmental delay, and is medically involved.  And now, one of the best developmental pediatricians in Chicago feels like, "Caroline is on the Spectrum...she is not a typical presentation but she is on the Spectrum."

When I heard those words, the first thing I thought was at least we have an answer. But I didn't stay there long, I immediately drifted to do I agree with diagnosis? And have been stuck at what does this mean...for Caroline, for our family, for me??