Vivian Knows Best

The phone rang and in a fit of frustration, Caroline clawed at my right eye.  It hurt and left scratch marks all around my eye, the marks match those on my left hand and arm. My Sweet Caroline gives me a new scar almost every day. The pain from this assault pales in comparison to the sadness and frustration; I see when I look into Caroline's eyes during these trying moments.

My employer made the decision not to include insurance coverage for autism as part of our benefit package at the start of the calendar year – in August of last year I was lead to believe it would be covered—John and I have been paying for all therapy out of pocket since January.  We just took out a loan against my 401k to pay for therapy this summer but we can only afford therapy at less than therapeutic levels.  Caroline’s minimal access to therapy shows every times she leaves a scar on my body, hurls an object at me or the floor, engages in compulsive behaviors, or the fact that it is harder to get Caroline to say Momma even with a reinforcer. Don’t get me wrong, Caroline is wonderful, the light of my life but right now being her mom is a traumatic experience.

I realize how tired I am when at the dinner table, Vivian reminds me “Mommy you need to tell Caroline, first rice then candy.”  At four, Vivian understands the first-then technique.  The other night both girls wondered into our room around 3 AM,  John was singing to Caroline trying to calm her down—I acted like I was sleeping because I did not have the energy to engage—Vivian told John “Daddy, I think you need to stop singing to Caroline—you are only exciting her.”  Vivian was right. At 3 AM John was too tired to notice that Caroline was screaming and flapping out of excitement—he was just following his instincts.  To be an effective parent to Caroline one needs to know when not follow instincts like singing an overtired toddler to sleep and when to ignore them.  Vivian, even in the middle of the night, knows enough to remind us how we parent Caroline when we have our wits about us.  I find this comforting because it means at our best we are consistent enough for Vivian to pick up on our behaviors and for her to notice the effectiveness; I find this exasperating because we are too tired to be as consistent as we should be.

Part of the exhaustion and Caroline’s mounting frustration is surely attributable to our recent cross country move from San Antonio to Cleveland.  The move had to be made and had to be made quickly and cheaply which did not allow me to plan as much as I would have liked. The move has left John and I even more physically and emotionally drained than normal.

The sadness and frustration that radiates from Caroline’s body during her bouts of frustration are tearing at my soul.  The move was difficult but it had to be done for so many reasons—in the moment we are dealing with some setbacks but in the long run I see a lot of opportunity in Cleveland for the entire Buzzard Family.  I am stronger than this moment and will get through my tedious to do list that involves fighting with the insurance company, identifying therapists, establishing medical care, applying for social programs, and finding childcare for the summer and afterschool in the fall so I can get back to the business of enjoying my family.