There are days that I would rather not engage with the physical world but rather just watch the digital world float past me. On these days, I am most comfortable nestled in my bed, alone, behind a closed door. I don't mind the sounds of my family enjoying life, they are somewhat comforting-but I have no desire to join in their fun. Despite the guilt, I cannot force myself to clean the house, fill out the mountain of paperwork, or do any of the other million things that are on my list. During the week, I drag myself down to my office log on to my computer and force myself to respond to emails, write documents, and continue to stumble through my professional day.
I felt the perfect storm brewing so I went to my doctor and began anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications at the beginning of the summer. I started the meds just in time, my mood and energy level plummeted just as my stress level soared. Perhaps the chemical imbalance is responsible for some level of clairvoyance.
I have a well established history with depression and anxiety. At times, when I don't have the energy to move, I wonder if the depression is caused by the many challenges in my life or if the challenges in my life seem greater because of the depression. When the depression sets in despite my best efforts the only thing I can see in the injustice that surrounds me.
I laugh at my life whenever possible, I try to embrace the joy and wonder that surrounds me. But there are days, days like today, when I can no longer muster the strength to try and convince myself that I am just tired or that I will get a break soon. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. Many activities I used to find enjoyable are now a chore.
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